you can always tell what someone doesn’t want
and you realize its because you don’t feel comfortable giving it
or something like that
I’ve been in a situation. I tried to stay in by changing the way I think about it but I cant change the way I have been feeling. I can try to think about it differently but the actions don’t change. then the discomfort. it leads to insecurity. All I think I can do now is stop it, run away. but do I want it to come chasing after me? “keep it simple, love” Too late.
I have a friend who I left behind. I want to ask him to say something cryptic and mystical to me as if he can tap into what I need. This is exactly sort of what is pissing me off about the current situation. the vague phrases. isn’t it beautiful? patterns are beautiful. we keep repeating them. and why do I think I have a “situation?” All passes through me. It keeps circling back. and my circular mind likes to go along.
anyway, reading a lot of Mindfulness stuff and notice there are key words. Do they mean anything to me? Are they just making me angry? I think I waste my time reading them and I really don’t want to give in to freedom. What if I could do Lion’s breath in class? I cant be that free! I cant say what I think really, I can say what I feel. I’d rather get along with everyone. I take what I can get. I have been trying to extend myself to others in an appropriate way, not a totally self serving way. Instead of going to a movie with someone who I know will tell me he loves me so much but wont invite me to his house, or listen to me complain, I can approach a fellow yogi and tell her I like her outfit. I now know there is a time and place for certain things. I finally understand morals/chastity/modesty but that is a different subject all together. (as long as it is a self imposed state. lets call it solitude.) I am giving myself to something that is not for me and it is just coming back to me and showing me…
I’ll make a list of all that mindfulness stuff and maybe something will come out of it.
emptiness, suffering, compassion, gratitude, oneness, breathing, awareness, suffering
I need action. its all been words words words. just throw some words at it. no
stop enjoying your suffering, the bible says something about think on things that are good
I don’t have regrets, that is when a lot of people look to religion. no, I really understand now but I don’t yet believe…
the weather was 60 degrees in January
I wanted to go to the park and sit on top of the boulder and peel an orange
take apart its sections, one at a time, and hand some to you
and maybe, instead of going to your place like we did (I didn’t even say what I thought: “if you open a window.”),
you could have lifted me up quickly on you
down in the crevice of the rocks