I love you means I can think of you and never see your body again. I can think of you in a rock, in a flowering plant, in a song, in the words or gesture of another person. It seems better that way not to isolate just you for my own self. I can go on and be comprised of the love of so many and physically be alone. I’m not letting the rocks lay. (lie). They become full of love, they become symbols. IVe been thinking about art, how pyramids, hills, shapes have a presence. It must have something to do with love, with God. God is everything. Things are becoming indescribable to me. I dont even know what to think sometimes. I am being truer to myself. No need to.justify. no need to depend emotionally on some one else. No need to enable. I had a dream of a figure laying on the couch. she turned around and it was my grandmother with her Margaret Thatcher hair and red orange lipstick. She smiled and said something smart and I was surprised to see her and I told her she was so pretty. And then my mom was trying to put an oval braided rug (from outside that i saw out the window under the bench swing)in the living room and asked me what I thought. I said no, it didn’t match. It was like the one my great grandparents had in their house that Poppop designed. Their isosceles trapezoid like living room (where there was yarn crafts, national geographics, classical music or PBS playing, a bull and matador on the wall and Popops metal sculptures) actually in the dream it wasn’t Grandma, I realized when awake that it was actually her.
I also recently thought this: I found a new emotion: one. No longer surprised by connections or coincidence. There are universal symbols I choose not to ignore. I’m still happy and I’m still sad. Overall it’s contentment.
Oh somebody at work who is entertaining maybe enigmatic told about his parents who he took care of but he had a dark childhood. Then he became not enigmatic. I’ve seen and dealt with that shit before.
I see now unrequited love is better that unrequited solitude!