up since


law of

If I were perfect

I’d be in top of you

I’d dance

My body would be so light

No one would think im ugly or wrong

Maybe just crazy

I also wish I could not feel guilt or shame for even tresspassing.  Confrontation. Being misunderstood.  Or them not caring. “Im an artist”

Watching documentary “black is bad” 

Fat is bad.

Your mother though, was good, must have been good.  I am a comfort to you.  A physical comfort.  I have a way about me.  And I’m large breasted. Your Jewish school teacher girl with glasses.

In me is part of you.  

That’s sort of.  Because you don’t really want me in your house.  You just want to replay the dream. Satisfy your desire. It is not mine.  The vision.

The vision first.  And then the physical manifestation.

Law of attraction.  

part of me part of you

I’m uncomfortable 

I’m glad though because thats my intuition

But I still have to be in the same room with you

I try to be grateful for the things separate from us that go on the room

I’m sad and I miss the good parts

Part of me and part of you

That cannot tell

Except which parts go where

Just let me put my mouth on you


The Oxbow


View from Mt Holyoke (The Oxbow)-famous painting by Thomas Cole Hudson River Valley School.

Emily Dickinson Mt Holyoke Seminary

A post card of an oxbow looking turn on the railroad, PA.

What is the view like from Mt Holyoke today? I should take a trip there.

Do the trains still run where the postcard is from?  Is the track still there?

He read me a Roethke love poem yesterday from the hill behind the movie theater parking lot.  A wet log’s burning song pop “I’m__a wet log…”

He said, not many people can put this in to words. How does he (Roethke) do it?  Just amazing. Let him do that.

I’ll feel it.

And, well it’s beautiful, but still a practice. Meter.

My body is too tired to.

Combine your mind and body into one, my yoga and spiritual readings lately…

Meanwhile I can’t sleep the way I want to, here or there.

Do as the natives do.  Eat meat, or not.  Go to yoga, religiously.

From the parking lot of the movie theater (saw Roman J. Isreal, Esq.) theAmerican flag blowing smoothly in front of powerlines and sunset clouds.  A train ran behind the shopping strip buildings, looking like it ran on top of the, on the roof of each one, continuing.  “My life is full of extraordinary things, or well, I’m noticing these things I never too noticed before.  (Mushrooms on walks). Things under your feet or when you’re Stuck in traffic. Some days things feel mundane. Are ordinary.  Other days I notice these things, take an interest.  In the hills, the cones the powerlines.”

“Yeah, it’s a rollercoaster”

…insert somewhere:  So that everydays a vacation. Not mundane.

She wants to marry him(B). He doesn’t see it that way.  She sees it that way. She is presentable.  I’m just____someone else will____

How things are displayed.

The sunset last night and Thanksgiving night.  You start to notice things and the universe delivers what you can’t deny or help but notice. This is beauty tragedy reality. Intuition. Law of attraction.

Passed my little barn dream housestudio last night.

Parked at the abandoned house and took pictures of the sunset.

“Sun setting”


word development

Some women find men to buy them houses.  I’m told that I’m easy to love and I deserve.   Told, by men (B and C), not to let my financial difficulties or dreams hold me back from love.  Well, then love me.  Make my dreams come true. Ha. You can’t do that. Can you.

I don’t want your bullshit. (F) wiskers and spit in the sink.  Making you dinner, a sandwich, listening to your complaints taking advantage, consideration and accusations. Coddling your insecurites, having my mouth on your private parts because you like it and I want you to be happy some times.  Maybe u just haven’t succeeded.  I’ll know when it’s right. Or it’s just not for me.  Universe. Law of attraction. Don’t worry about it.

So, the Hudson River Valley School:. nature is god given and should be preserved yet conquered and seen.  Captured? Pictured.

Today I say to myself, in a parking lot, in traffic, nature is something that should have been preserved.  The powerlines, construction cones, buildings, roads, create frames around the landscape.  Adds to it it takes it away.  No, it’s still there.  Reconcilation? Reality?  What do we do when we put man made things in the world?  Roads, trash cans, powerlines are necessary.  We hide the slaughterhouses (we don’t even need to eat meat) hide landfills, outsource production of plastic crap, have vacation spots, meanwhile there’s ocean dead zones.  Framing, compartmentalizing landscape.  When you go on vacation it’s a tourist trap and you are disappointed…recall landscape art history book that talks about framing the landscape.

We, I,  want to possess. Frame, store, present. But not live it. Not practice.

Keep me in a single room, my love, take me out and play with me, remember me.

Until I’m ruined.  Beauty doesnt last.  Doll. Collectables. So why do we say Landscape can be preserved but we really can’t be.


I’m forgetting a word… important idea I had before I thought of burial. DAMN I hope I think of it…

Birth. Marriage Burial. Oxbow. Turn around. Rewinding.-One of his(B’s) favorite songs. Truth. Laying in bed telling me about positive Christianity preacher.  I heard Pete Seeger song Arrange and Rearrange and “you can have anything you want, at Alice’s restaurant .” ( Except Alice)

Verb. Doing

Adjective. Describing.

I remember now: Virgin.  Virginal.

Virgin girl, virgin landscape.  Virginia he goes to.  He (C) owns land.  Let’s go.  He’s retired but I have to work and there’s no electricity there. Cleaning up his bachelor pad in the city because he was depressed but got a girlfriend and realized cleaning was needed even though they break up get back together, break up again..was for her, now doing it for him.opening it up to more girlfriends I tell him. Laughter.

His (B’s) girlfriend made sure to tell me she was getting her kitchen re done and didn’t choose white cabinets because he didn’t like them.  I always want to tell him but there doesn’t seem to be a point to that but spite and I’m the only one who’s angry.  I want to tell him he can take her dancing when he asked me what I’d do to go out.

Her picture sees me in multiple places.  It’s as if he doesn’t care about either one of us.  These are his alone decisions.


The Word.

Gave life?

“In the beginning, was the Word”

“Let there be light.”

Yoga:  to yoke, marriage.

This would be a poem except I’m moving on to other things.  Streams.

That all connect some how. Direct.

Lead to the ocean.

Dead zones.

But also

Uncharted depths

That scary fish with a see through head

Flourescent deep sea fish producing their own light. Flourescent spray paint.  Everything had to come from nature, essentialy.  Perpetuatal motion machine?  Great grand pop.

Produce your own light.  The light life force inside anything living. Spark.

Fireworks display.  The way things are displayed.

Free.  Signs.

Believe in something or something else or dont.

Obey the signs.  Take them for granted etc etc



























Indigenous-black walnut Trivia (from C): Used to sandblast the statue of Liberty. Black walnut under foot while he (C) read me the poem at the movie theater. I’m making him (bend over) laugh alot.  Pretty soon his impatience will show and anger and he’ll tell me to stop.  I must be in a less vunerable position now that he has options.

Common weed.

Invasive species.

Look up at the trees.  Always trees.  When your making out in the car with (B).  The trees are there with you.  Beautiful. More beautiful.  You always park in front of the tree at the gym.

Landmarks merely? Property lines on antique records: “40 steps from the pin oak tree.”

Trees live longer than humans. Sent Nana a fairy tale Hans C Anderson about an oak tree that turned into a Christmas story.  It’s all in the way you look at things.  Turn it in to art. Poetry.  A mystery.  But an answer at the same time. A Sacrifice on your behalf.  A Saviour.  No one really does that except/so there’s god.

Or drawn to it?  The trees, nature.  Is that my Personality? Soul? Self. Is beyond me…yoga reasons…  I am offended that he (B) isn’t into what I am. Me.  But the other one (C) is.



Free signs.


Single symbol


Present. Presentable.

Dessert Desert

Marina Ambrovich described living with Aboriginal people in the Australian desert communication by thought.  Mind. Not words or gestures.

I’ve never been married.  I’m getting close to 40 and I’ve never had kids.

How we present things. ..

I’ve created an archetype he (B ) said.

The Caryatids…

Ancient, primal Biological love.  Chemical attraction.  Chemistry.




The start.  A flash of light. Explosion,big bang, Explanation. Sin.  Let there be light.

TIME.  I don’t feel I have enough.  It’s debilitating. Once I have things in place…

last night when I had more than two hours with you (B) I felt all the time in the world. Since I decided you didn’t matter. Since I do not go out dancing.

Go out dancing.

Song:. “Danced myself out if the womb…into tomb…hope didn’t dance too soon.”

Are there spaces in between I’m not describimg? Or is it an order, the order of things



The spaces in between

“Born between paved roads”is one of the short poems I was writing once




In yoga class yesterday. : Vision first before brought into physical form.  (I vocal murmmer little cries and grunts and ha breathing. I sweat.   Ibuprohen before. ) artist,Agnes Martin  said this too-Inspiration first.  People have lots of ideas but lose/not the inspiration.

photo realism painting by Audrey Flack



should I drive

All the way to Downingtown

For more of these large striped socks that keep the flooding in?

That remind me of the sand snake in the movie Beetleguese.

There’s some of this snake around a group of abandoned houses slated for demolition there in Downingtown.

So, this is the place from the map app on my phone.  Things I noticed about this, from looking at these pictures.

Without gps do you have a sense of direction?  Which way is north from where you’re at?  What is your landmark?  The way the street numbers ascend or descend?  Yourself? No, something outside yourself.  The shore line, the way moss grows on the tree?  

In these gps pictures you see the past or present.  Now these houses are to be demolished, a chain link rental fence around them, square paper signs on the lower windows.  There is a GPS image of it without the fence, a cut green lawn, looks like a nice neighborhood, sunshine and bricks.  Maybe there was a flood?  I don’t understand how a whole block of large stone and brick houses could be put out like that.

Another thing I noticed in the GPS images is the translucent blue line on the image to show the street route.